Our New Company Policy
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel)..
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be
called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED
twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who
has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED
by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you
receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
Education does not guarantee intelligence.
Prepare for the worst and you won't be disappointed.
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